A Comedy by William Shakespeare & Miguel de Cervantes
As told to Charles M. Sumid
Copyright 2025 Original written July, 2017 Revised 2025
(Written in Modern English from beyond, April 1616)
Act I, Scene 1
[A Spanish inn near the port of Santander. The common room, with rough tables and benches. HAMLET enters, dressed in black, looking suspiciously around. He sits in a corner.]
HAMLET
To drink, or not to drink—that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous thirst,
Or to take wine against this sea of troubles,
And by imbibing, end them? To drink, to sleep—
To sleep, perchance to miss assassins creeping—
Ay, there’s the rub. For in that wine-dark sleep,
What daggers may come when we have shuffled
Off this mortal vigilance?
INNKEEPER
Señor, you want wine or no?
HAMLET
(aside) He speaks too quickly. Suspicious. Most suspicious.
(aloud) Wine. But I’ll pour it myself. From a new cask.
That one. No—that one. Actually, bring water.
(aside) Water shows poison by its bubbling.
INNKEEPER
Loco inglés…
[Exit INNKEEPER. HAMLET examines everything—the walls, under tables, behind tapestries]
HAMLET
This inn crawls with intelligence. That man
Who scratches at his nose—a signal, surely.
That woman with the lazy eye—she watches
Both doors at once. Even this pepper pot
Might hide a viper’s tooth… Mother’s treachery
Has taught me well: trust nothing, no one, nowhere.
[Tremendous noise outside. Enter DON QUIXOTE in rusty armor, followed by SANCHO PANZA on a donkey]
DON QUIXOTE
Hold, varlet! Lower thy portcullis at once!
I am Don Quixote de La Mancha,
Knight errant, righter of wrongs, defender
Of innocence! I claim the ancient right
Of hospitality in this thy castle!
INNKEEPER
(wearily) Not another one. Señor, this is an inn.
DON QUIXOTE
How now! Dost thou think me a fool, sirrah?
I, who have read every romance penned
Since Amadis first took up arms? I know
A castle when I see one! These battlements—
(gestures at the rough wooden walls)
This mighty tower—
(points to the chimney)
Yon coat of arms!
(indicates a wine stain on the wall)
HAMLET
(aside) Now here’s a riddle wrapped in armor.
Either the maddest spy I’ve yet encountered,
Or else a madman true. But which is which?
In Denmark’s court, the wisest played the fool…
DON QUIXOTE
(noticing Hamlet) Soft! What noble knight broods in yon corner?
Good sir, thy melancholy countenance
Bespeaks some great enchantment! Art thou cursed
By evil sorcerer? Or perhaps transformed
By some malignant fairy? Fear not!
I shall break thy spell with this good lance!
HAMLET
Stay thy lance, good… knight. No enchantment here,
Unless philosophy be witchcraft. I am
Prince Hamlet of Denmark, sailing to England,
And stopped here briefly—
DON QUIXOTE
A prince! Of course!
Thy noble bearing betrays thy blood!
But why so sad, sweet prince? Has some fair lady
Spurned thy affections? Or perhaps thy kingdom
Lies under siege by giants?
HAMLET
Giants? No… though there are things in Denmark
More strange than giants…
(aside) Can madness spy out madness? Here’s a test.
(aloud) Tell me, Sir Knight—see you any here
Who seem… misplaced? Who watch too carefully?
DON QUIXOTE
Ah! Thou speakest of the enchanters! Yes!
They’re everywhere! See yon serving wench?
Clearly a princess held in durance vile!
And that fat innkeeper—an ogre, surely,
Transformed to seem a common mortal man!
HAMLET
(aside) He sees through their disguises! But no—
He’s utterly, completely, beautifully mad.
(aloud) You interest me, Sir Knight. What quest
Brings you to this… castle?
DON QUIXOTE
I seek adventure! Wrongs to right! Maidens
To rescue! Dragons to slay! And you,
Sweet melancholy prince? What quest is yours?
HAMLET
I go to England. My uncle the King
Sends me for… my health.
DON QUIXOTE
Uncle the King?
But stay—if thou art prince, should not THY father—
Ah! I see it now! Usurpation!
Thy uncle hath stolen thy rightful throne!
This is a quest worthy of knight and prince!
We must return to Denmark instantly
And challenge this false king to mortal combat!
HAMLET
(startled) How did you… I mean… it’s more complex…
My father died, my mother married…
DON QUIXOTE
Say no more! ‘Tis an old tale, oft told
In books of chivalry! The usurping brother,
The queen bewitched, the rightful heir in exile!
Fear not! I’ve read this story forty times!
It always ends the same—with justice done
And evil punished! Sancho! My sword!
SANCHO PANZA
(entering fully) Master, perhaps we should eat first? Justice
On an empty stomach gives me wind.
HAMLET
You’d challenge the King of Denmark? Just like that?
No contemplation? No consideration
Of consequences? No philosophical
Examination of the rights and wrongs?
DON QUIXOTE
Philosophy? When honor is at stake?
When throne’s usurped and justice cries for action?
Sweet prince, thy books have made thee melancholy!
Action is the cure for too much thinking!
HAMLET
And thinking is the cure for too much action.
Yet… there’s something liberating in your madness…
(aside) Or is it wisdom dressed in folly’s clothes?
[Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, trying to look casual]
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord! What happy chance to find you here!
GUILDENSTERN
We… stopped for wine. Pure coincidence.
HAMLET
(to Don Quixote) Now here’s enchantment for you, Sir Knight.
Two schoolfellows who just “happen” to appear
At a Spanish inn, leagues from any route
‘Tween Denmark and England.
DON QUIXOTE
Enchantment? Where?!
(draws his sword)
Show me these sorcerers! By my faith,
I’ll break their spells and free these goodly men
From whatever demon holds them thrall!
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, who is this… gentleman?
HAMLET
This is Don Quixote de La Mancha,
Knight errant and my new philosopher.
He sees the world quite differently than we—
Where you see inn, he sees a castle.
Where you see coincidence, he sees—
DON QUIXOTE
Conspiracy of enchanters! Yes! These two
Reek of dark magic! See how they sweat?
How their eyes dart about like cornered rats?
Stand back, sweet prince! I’ll handle this!
(to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
Reveal thy true forms, foul fiends!
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, your friend seems… disturbed.
HAMLET
No more than any honest man should be
When faced with such obvious deception.
Tell me, how knew you where to find me?
ROSENCRANTZ
The ship… the captain said… we asked…
DON QUIXOTE
They speak in fragments! Sure sign of enchantment!
Fear not, prince! I’ve dealt with such before!
The cure is simple—
(raises his sword)
SANCHO
Master, please! Remember what happened
Last time you “cured” enchantment? The magistrate
Said one more incident and it’s the galleys!
HAMLET
(amused, intrigued) Hold, Sir Knight. Let me try my method.
(to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
Dear friends, since you’re here by pure chance,
You’ll not mind if we change my destination?
Instead of England, I’ve decided Spain
Suits my health better. You’ll inform my uncle?
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN
(together, panicked) No! That is… my lord… the King expressly…
HAMLET
Ah. The King expressly. How expressive.
Sir Quixote, your diagnosis proves correct.
These men are clearly under some compulsion.
DON QUIXOTE
Ha! Did I not say so? Come, sweet prince!
Adventure calls! We’ll ride to Denmark first,
Restore thy throne, then seek the Holy Grail,
Or rescue princesses, or fight a dragon—
The world is full of wrongs that need our righting!
HAMLET
You know… why not? To act without thinking,
To see the world as full of clear-cut choices…
(to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
Tell my uncle I’ve gone mad. Completely mad.
I’ve met a knight who’s taught me how to see
Giants in windmills—or is it windmills
In giants? Either way, I’m indisposed
For England. I ride with Don Quixote!
SANCHO
(aside) Two madmen now instead of one? My wages
Better double, or I’m back to farming.
DON QUIXOTE
Excellent! Sancho, prepare Rocinante!
Prince Hamlet needs a steed! That noble beast
Tied to yon post will do!
HAMLET
That’s… a mule.
DON QUIXOTE
Enchantment makes it seem so! Trust thy heart,
Not thy deceiving eyes!
HAMLET
(laughing, genuinely, for the first time in the play)
You know what? You’re absolutely right.
From now on, I’ll see the world your way—
Where every wrong has remedy in action,
Where thinking is the enemy of doing,
Where mules are steeds and inns are castles!
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, you jest…
HAMLET
I’ve never been more serious.
Or more mad. Which amounts to the same thing.
Come, Sir Quixote! Denmark awaits!
And after that—the world!
DON QUIXOTE
Now thou speakest like a true knight errant!
Thy melancholy melts before adventure!
Soon thou’ll see—the world is full of marvels
For those with eyes to see and hearts to dare!
[They exit arm in arm, leaving ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN stunned]
GUILDENSTERN
What do we tell the King?
ROSENCRANTZ
The truth? That Hamlet’s run off with a madman
To fight giants and rescue princesses?
GUILDENSTERN
He’ll never believe it.
ROSENCRANTZ
Then we’ll tell him Hamlet’s dead. It’s simpler.
And possibly less strange than what just happened.
[Exeunt. End Scene 1]
Act I, Scene 2
[A country road in Spain. Dawn. Enter DON QUIXOTE on Rocinante, HAMLET on a mule he has named Melancholy, SANCHO on his donkey, bringing up the rear with luggage]
DON QUIXOTE
See how the rosy-fingered dawn breaks forth,
Sweet prince! A perfect morning for adventure!
By sunset, we’ll have righted at least three wrongs,
Rescued a maiden, and perhaps defeated
A giant or two! How does thy noble steed?
HAMLET
Melancholy bears me well enough—
A fitting name for a prince’s mount,
Though you insist on calling her “Lightning.”
DON QUIXOTE
Lightning she is! See how her coat shines
Like polish’d jet? How her eyes flash fire?
‘Tis enchantment makes her seem a humble mule!
HAMLET
The dawn breaks red. In Denmark, we would say
‘Tis an ill omen—blood upon the sky.
DON QUIXOTE
Fie on thy Danish omens! In La Mancha,
Red dawn means glory! Honor! Brave deeds done!
Look there—dust upon the road! Adventure
Approaches!
[Enter a MERCHANT with loaded cart]
HAMLET
‘Tis but a merchant with his wares.
DON QUIXOTE
A merchant? Nay! Mine eyes, made keen by reading
The chronicles of knight-errantry,
Pierce through the veil of base reality!
Yon villain conveys a princess in that cart,
Hidden ‘neath merchandise! Stand, kidnapper!
MERCHANT
(alarmed) Señores, I carry only cloth and spice!
DON QUIXOTE
Hear how the princess cries out through his throat!
The enchantment makes her voice sound mannish!
Fear not, lady! Thy champions are here!
[DON QUIXOTE charges with lance lowered]
HAMLET
Wait! Stop! Consider! What if you’re mistaken?
What if he speaks the truth? What if—
SANCHO
Too late, your highness. When he’s like this,
Nothing stops him but a solid wall.
Or unconsciousness. Whichever comes first.
[DON QUIXOTE crashes into the cart, scattering fabric everywhere. The MERCHANT flees]
DON QUIXOTE
(sitting up amid silk and satin)
The princess has transformed to butterflies!
See how her essence flutters in the wind!
Quick, Hamlet! Help me catch her rainbow soul!
HAMLET
(aside) There’s method in his madness—or perhaps
There’s madness in my method. Either way,
I feel more alive than I have in months.
(aloud) I’ll help you, friend, but answer me this riddle:
If she be butterflies, how can we save her?
DON QUIXOTE
By believing! Faith transforms the world!
What seems like scattered cloth to clouded eyes
Is truly freedom’s flight!
HAMLET
(picking up silks, half-playing along, half-believing)
You know… in certain lights… they do look winglike…
(shakes his head)
No! This is madness!
(pauses)
And yet… what’s wrong with madness if it brings
More joy than sanity?
[Enter HORATIO, riding hard]
HORATIO
My lord! Thank God I’ve found you! All of Denmark
Believes you dead! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Reported that you’d drowned!
HAMLET
Good Horatio! My one true friend!
Meet Don Quixote de La Mancha—
He’s teaching me to see the world anew.
HORATIO
My lord… you’re playing with merchant’s cloth
In the middle of a Spanish road…
DON QUIXOTE
Another knight! Welcome, Sir…?
HAMLET
This is Horatio, my dearest friend
And anchor to reality—
DON QUIXOTE
Reality? That shifting, false enchantment
That makes the glorious seem mundane?
Why would one need an anchor to illusion?
HORATIO
(to Hamlet) My lord, your mother weeps, thinking you dead.
The court wears mourning. Claudius has declared
A month of grief.
HAMLET
Let him declare. I’m sure his grief
Is as genuine as his brotherly love.
But soft—here’s matter for philosophy:
If I be thought dead, am I not free?
Can a dead man commit regicide?
DON QUIXOTE
Why speak of regicide? In honorable combat,
King against prince, with God as judge,
There’s no murder—only justice!
HORATIO
My lord, you cannot mean to—
HAMLET
I mean nothing. And everything. And all
The shades between. Don Quixote has shown me
That thinking leads to paralysis. Perhaps
‘Tis better to act like him—madly,
But with pure intent.
SANCHO
Begging your pardon, your highness,
But if you’re dead in Denmark, and planning
To challenge the King, wouldn’t it be better
To stay dead until you arrive? Surprise
Is worth ten soldiers in a fight.
HAMLET
(amazed) The squire speaks strategy! Horatio,
This man cuts through complexity like Alexander
Through the Gordian knot!
DON QUIXOTE
Of course! We’ll creep upon them like the Greeks
In their wooden horse! Though we’ll need
No trickery—just honest steel and hearts
Made pure by questing!
HORATIO
My lord, this is insane—
HAMLET
Precisely! Sanity has brought me nothing
But endless loops of thought. Let’s try insanity
And see where it leads!
[Sound of horses approaching]
DON QUIXOTE
Hark! More adventure comes! To arms!
[Enter the INNKEEPER from Scene 1, with armed men]
INNKEEPER
There they are! The madmen who destroyed
My inn and frightened off my customers!
Arrest them!
DON QUIXOTE
The ogre has brought his minions! See,
Prince Hamlet? Did I not say his castle
Was cursed?
HAMLET
(drawing sword) You know, I’m starting to see it too.
Those aren’t constables—they’re clearly goblins.
HORATIO
My lord! They have real swords!
HAMLET
All swords are real when they cut you,
But all cuts are illusion to the brave!
(aside to Horatio) Play along—madness may be our best defense.
[A comic fight ensues. DON QUIXOTE charges magnificently and is immediately knocked down. HAMLET dances around, quoting philosophy while fighting. SANCHO hits people with a frying pan. HORATIO reluctantly joins in]
HAMLET
(while fighting) “To be or not to be” is not the question!
The question is: to quest or not to quest!
DON QUIXOTE
(from the ground) Well spoken, sweet prince! Help me up
That I might smite them better!
[The INNKEEPER’s men, confused by their opponents’ mixture of madness and skill, begin to retreat]
INNKEEPER
They’re all insane! Retreat! Let the mad
Kill each other on the roads!
[Exeunt INNKEEPER and men]
DON QUIXOTE
Victory! Did you see how they fled
Before our righteous might?
SANCHO
They fled before our righteous madness,
More like.
HAMLET
What’s the difference? The result’s the same.
We’re free to continue north.
HORATIO
My lord, you cannot seriously mean
To return to Denmark with this… knight?
HAMLET
I mean to return to Denmark as myself—
But a self transformed. No more the melancholy prince
Who questions everything and does nothing.
I’ll be a knight-errant of justice!
DON QUIXOTE
That’s the spirit! Come, we’ll make Copenhagen
A New Camelot! Your uncle will surrender
When he sees our noble bearing!
HAMLET
Or when he sees our noble madness.
Either way, the game’s afoot!
[They remount and ride off. HORATIO shakes his head but follows]
HORATIO
(to audience) I’ve followed him through worse than this—
Through grief and doubt and contemplation.
Perhaps a little madness mixed with action
Is better than paralytic thought.
At least we’re moving forward, not in circles.
To Denmark, then—with madmen for companions
And folly for our guide!
[Exit all]
Act I, Scene 3
[The same road, sunset. A small camp. SANCHO prepares food while DON QUIXOTE polishes armor. HAMLET sits writing in a small book. HORATIO watches worriedly.]
HORATIO
My lord, you write as frantically as ever.
What occupies your quill?
HAMLET
No more philosophy, good Horatio!
I write adventures! See—”The Noble
History of Prince Hamlet the Bold,
Who Slew Melancholy with a Lance
Of Pure Intention!”
HORATIO
You write fiction of yourself?
HAMLET
Why not? If I can choose my reality,
Why not record the better version?
Don Quixote has taught me this—we are
The stories that we tell ourselves.
DON QUIXOTE
Well spoken, sweet prince! I myself feature
In many books—or will, once they’re written!
Fame follows noble deeds as surely
As thunder follows lightning!
SANCHO
Speaking of following—we’re being followed.
Three men, watching from that hill.
HAMLET
More spies from Claudius, no doubt.
DON QUIXOTE
Spies? Nay! Those are clearly troubadours,
Come to witness our great deeds and sing them!
Ho there, melodious friends! Come join
Our noble campfire!
[Enter three BRIGANDS, armed and menacing]
FIRST BRIGAND
Your gold, señores. And make no trouble.
HAMLET
(aside) Troubadours, indeed.
DON QUIXOTE
Gold? We carry no gold, only golden
Intentions! But stay—I know you now!
You’re not brigands, but enchanters disguised,
Testing our mettle before we reach Denmark!
SECOND BRIGAND
Is he mad?
SANCHO
As a March hare. But armored.
HAMLET
(standing, interested) Wait—I see it now! Don Quixote’s right!
Look at their stance, their careful positioning—
These are no common thieves! They’re clearly
Supernatural guardians of the path!
HORATIO
(aside) My lord, they have very real knives.
HAMLET
(aside) I know. But watch and learn.
(aloud) Great guardians, we seek to pass
Your mystic checkpoint! What trials must we face?
THIRD BRIGAND
(confused) Trials? Just… give us your gold!
DON QUIXOTE
A riddle! They speak in riddles! “Gold”
Must mean something else… Of course!
They seek the gold of wisdom! Gather round,
Good sirs, and I’ll share knightly precepts!
[DON QUIXOTE begins lecturing the increasingly confused BRIGANDS about chivalry]
FIRST BRIGAND
(to Second Brigand) What’s happening?
SECOND BRIGAND
I… I don’t know. Should we stab them?
THIRD BRIGAND
The old one’s explaining honor to me.
It’s actually quite interesting…
HAMLET
(to Horatio) You see? Madness as strategy!
They came expecting fear or fight,
Not philosophy and fairy tales.
SANCHO
(approaching the Brigands with food)
You gents hungry? Long night of guarding
The mystical path, eh? Have some stew.
FIRST BRIGAND
(taking bowl, confused) Thanks?
DON QUIXOTE
And that’s why a true knight never
Attacks the defenseless! Now, you try—
Recite the code!
BRIGANDS
(in unison, befuddled) A true knight… never attacks… the defenseless?
DON QUIXOTE
Excellent! You’ll make fine knights yet!
Here, take this coin for your dedication
To guarding this sacred road!
[Gives them each a small coin]
SECOND BRIGAND
(to First Brigand) We’re… being paid?
FIRST BRIGAND
By the men we came to rob?
HAMLET
The universe rewards those who serve
Its higher purpose! Even unknowingly!
THIRD BRIGAND
(to his fellows) Let’s go. This is too strange.
I prefer normal victims.
[BRIGANDS exit, thoroughly confused]
HORATIO
I’ve never seen thieves talked into retreat!
HAMLET
That’s the power of committed madness!
They came prepared for sanity—
Fear, anger, violence. We gave them none,
And so they had no script to follow!
SANCHO
Also, my stew is very good.
Harder to stab a man who’s fed you.
DON QUIXOTE
You see? The world transforms when we
Refuse to see it as it claims to be!
Those weren’t brigands—they were lost souls
Seeking purpose! And we gave it!
HAMLET
(thoughtfully) If this works on brigands…
What might it do to kings?
[They settle in for the night as the lights dim]
[End Act I]
Act II, Scene 1
[A port town on the coast of Denmark. An inn. HAMLET, in disguise, sits with HORATIO. DON QUIXOTE and SANCHO are at another table, eating heartily.]
HAMLET
We’re close now. Tomorrow, Elsinore.
How does the kingdom fare in my absence?
HORATIO
Your mother mourns. Some say she’s gone
Half-mad with grief. Claudius grows paranoid—
He sees assassins in every shadow.
HAMLET
Good. Let him taste the poison of suspicion.
(looks at Don Quixote) Though I wonder now—
Is revenge worth pursuing? Or should I
Simply declare myself and claim my throne
Through joy instead of blood?
HORATIO
You’ve changed, my lord.
HAMLET
Have I? Or have I simply learned
To see more possibilities?
[Enter a MESSENGER, looking for someone]
MESSENGER
I seek the Spanish knight, Don Quixote!
I bear a letter from the Queen of Denmark!
DON QUIXOTE
(leaping up) A quest from royalty! I knew
Our fame would spread like wildfire! Read on!
MESSENGER
(reading) “Noble knight, I have heard of your
Commitment to justice and truth.
My son is dead, my husband acts strangely.
I fear… I dare not write it… Come to me
In secret. I need a champion.
—Gertrude, Queen of Denmark”
HAMLET
(aside) My mother? This is unexpected…
DON QUIXOTE
A queen in distress! This is exactly
Like Chapter Twelve of “Amadis of Gaul”!
We must go to her immediately!
SANCHO
Master, shouldn’t we be suspicious?
Queens don’t usually write to strange knights.
DON QUIXOTE
That’s because most knights aren’t strange enough!
Come! We must plan our secret entrance!
HAMLET
(to Horatio) My mother reaches out to madmen
For help? Either she’s desperate indeed,
Or playing some deeper game…
HORATIO
Or perhaps she too has learned to see
The world differently. Grief changes people.
[Enter OPHELIA, dressed as a boy, travel-worn]
OPHELIA
Horatio! Thank God! Is the Prince—
(sees Hamlet) Hamlet! You live!
HAMLET
Ophelia? What are you doing here?
And in such strange attire?
OPHELIA
I fled the court. Your death—your supposed death—
Made me see clearly. My father spies,
The King lies, the Queen weeps, and I…
I went a little mad, they said.
So I embraced it! If madness means
Seeing truth and speaking freely,
Then mad I’ll gladly be!
DON QUIXOTE
(approaching) Another convert to our noble cause!
Madness as clarity! Folly as wisdom!
Welcome, young sir—or lady, rather!
In our company, you can be both,
Either, or neither!
OPHELIA
You must be the famous Don Quixote!
Hamlet, where did you find such a teacher?
HAMLET
He found me, when I needed finding.
Ophelia, this is dangerous—
OPHELIA
More dangerous than staying at court?
Where your uncle watches me for signs
Of knowledge? Where my father would use me
As bait to trap you? No, Hamlet.
I choose your madness over their sanity.
SANCHO
Great. Another one. At this rate,
We’ll have converted all of Denmark
To lunacy by Tuesday.
HORATIO
This complicates things. Claudius will notice
Ophelia’s absence. He’ll be warned.
DON QUIXOTE
Let him be warned! We have right,
Justice, truth, and now beauty on our side!
What can one false king do against
Such an alliance?
HAMLET
(smiling despite himself) When you put it
That way… Welcome to our merry band,
Ophelia. Can you still sing?
OPHELIA
Better than ever. Madness improves
The voice—it removes restraint.
DON QUIXOTE
Then you shall be our troubadour!
Every questing company needs music!
Tomorrow, we storm the castle
With songs instead of swords!
HAMLET
(aside) Or perhaps with both. But songs
Might prove the sharper weapon…
[End Scene 1]
Act II, Scene 2
[Outside Elsinore Castle. Night. The group huddles together, planning.]
HAMLET
The secret entrance my mother mentioned—
I know it. Through the chapel garden.
But why would she summon Don Quixote?
HORATIO
Perhaps she sees what we’ve discovered—
That madness sometimes pierces veils
That sanity cannot lift.
DON QUIXOTE
The Queen awaits her champion! Come,
Let us not delay! Sancho, my best armor!
SANCHO
Master, your best armor is your only armor,
And it’s held together with hope and twine.
DON QUIXOTE
Perfect! Hope is stronger than steel!
OPHELIA
I’ll scout ahead. I still know every
Guard rotation, every hidden corner.
My madness made me invisible at court—
They stopped watching what the mad girl did.
HAMLET
Be careful. If Claudius suspects—
OPHELIA
He suspects everyone of everything.
That’s his weakness. When all are guilty,
None are guilty. I’ll whistle like a lark
When the way is clear.
[Exit OPHELIA]
HORATIO
My lord, I mislike this midnight meeting.
It feels like a trap.
HAMLET
Everything feels like a trap when you’ve
Lived in one. But sometimes, dear friend,
The only way out is through.
DON QUIXOTE
Wisely spoken! In the romances,
The hero always walks into the trap—
That’s how he proves he’s the hero!
Villains flee from traps; heroes spring them!
SANCHO
And fools die in them.
DON QUIXOTE
Also true! But what a glorious death!
HAMLET
Tell me, Don Quixote—in your books,
How does one know a queen from a witch?
Both summon knights to secret meetings,
Both promise to right ancient wrongs…
DON QUIXOTE
Simple! A true queen weeps real tears,
While witches’ eyes stay dry as dust.
A queen seeks justice; a witch seeks power.
Besides, no witch would write so poorly—
Did you see those blots? That trembling hand?
Evil has better penmanship.
SANCHO
(to Horatio) Your prince asks deep questions
Of a man who thinks windmills are giants.
HORATIO
And gets deep answers. That’s the puzzle.
Occasionally wisdom wears motley.
HAMLET
(looking at the castle) Strange, to see home
As enemy territory. Each tower
I climbed as a boy now seems a threat.
Is this what exile does—makes foreign
What once was familiar?
DON QUIXOTE
Not exile, sweet prince—enlightenment!
You see with cleared eyes what was always there.
The castle hasn’t changed; you have.
In Chapter Twenty-Three of “Palmerin of England”—
SANCHO
Master, perhaps less reading, more sneaking?
The moon won’t hide us much longer.
HORATIO
The squire’s right. But which way to approach?
The main gate’s watched, the walls are high—
HAMLET
Through the graveyard. Fitting, no?
A ghost returning through the realm of ghosts.
My father would appreciate the irony.
DON QUIXOTE
Graveyards! Excellent! In every romance,
Graveyards at midnight yield adventure!
Perhaps we’ll meet actual spirits
Who’ll aid our quest!
HAMLET
I’ve met one ghost already, Sir Knight.
He was less helpful than you’d think—
Spoke in riddles, demanded vengeance,
Then vanished, leaving me to sort
The truth from lies.
DON QUIXOTE
Ah, but that’s the test! Heroes must
Interpret signs and portents! Your ghost
Was clearly ensuring you were worthy
Of the quest he set!
HAMLET
(smiling) You have an answer for everything.
DON QUIXOTE
Not answers—perspectives! Each angle
Shows different truth. Your ghost might be
A demon or an angel or your father
Or your conscience dressed in armor.
What matters is what you choose to see.
SANCHO
What I choose to see is guards approaching.
Two of them, with torches.
[All hide. Two GUARDS pass by, talking]
FIRST GUARD
Did you hear? The Queen’s gone mad with grief.
Talks to shadows, writes to foreigners—
SECOND GUARD
The King’s not much better. Jumps at mirrors,
Tests all his food for poison. They say
He sees Prince Hamlet’s face in every shadow.
FIRST GUARD
Good thing the Prince is dead then.
SECOND GUARD
Is he though? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Came back with such a scrambled story—
Drowned but not drowned, dead but missing…
FIRST GUARD
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
SECOND GUARD
I try not to. Thinking’s dangerous
In this court. Come on.
[Guards exit]
HAMLET
(emerging) You see? Even the guards doubt
The official story. Truth will out,
Despite all effort to contain it.
HORATIO
Or perhaps because of such effort.
The more elaborate the lie,
The more it begs for questioning.
[Sound of a lark whistle]
HAMLET
That’s our signal. Remember—we’re mad.
If things go wrong, lean into the madness.
It’s our armor and our weapon both.
DON QUIXOTE
Into the castle of mysteries!
Where queens summon knights and kings fear shadows!
This is better than any romance—
Because we’re living it!
SANCHO
(muttering) Living it, dying in it…
What’s the difference to a madman?
HORATIO
(to Sancho) Come, friend. Our madmen need
Their sane companions, else who’ll tell
The tale when all is done?
SANCHO
Good point. Lead on—but I’m keeping
Track of exits.
[They creep toward the castle. End Scene 2]
Act II, Scene 3
[The Queen’s chambers. GERTRUDE alone, pacing. A knock at the secret door.]
GERTRUDE
Enter, if you be friend to justice.
[Enter DON QUIXOTE, HAMLET, HORATIO, SANCHO, and OPHELIA]
GERTRUDE
(gasping) Hamlet! My son! You live!
HAMLET
Disappointed, mother?
GERTRUDE
Never! But… who told me you were dead?
Why would they… (realization dawning)
Oh. Oh no. Your uncle said the ship…
The storm… But there was no storm that week.
DON QUIXOTE
Your Majesty! I am at your service!
You wrote of injustice—I am here
To right all wrongs and fight all villains!
GERTRUDE
(to Hamlet) Is this the madman they speak of?
HAMLET
Mad? Perhaps. But his madness sees
More clearly than our sanity ever did.
Mother, what made you write to him?
GERTRUDE
Dreams. Terrible dreams. Your father comes
To me each night, but he cannot speak—
His mouth pours poison instead of words.
I wake believing I’ve murdered him
With my swift marriage. I need… I need
Someone who deals in impossibilities.
DON QUIXOTE
Dreams that speak truth! Ghosts demanding justice!
Your Majesty, this is my specialty!
I’ve read at least forty such situations!
OPHELIA
Your Majesty, your grief has made you wise.
You see what others will not—that something
Is rotten in the state of Denmark.
GERTRUDE
Ophelia? Child, what are you doing here?
And dressed so strangely?
OPHELIA
I’m learning to be strange, Your Majesty.
It’s safer than being predictable.
HAMLET
Mother, I must ask you plainly—
Do you suspect Claudius of murder?
GERTRUDE
(long pause) I suspect… I suspect I’ve been
A fool. A grieving, lonely fool
Who took comfort where she shouldn’t.
But murder? My heart says yes,
My mind says impossible.
DON QUIXOTE
Then follow your heart! The mind lies,
But the heart knows truth! In Chapter Fifteen
Of The Mirror of Knighthood—
SANCHO
Master, perhaps less reading, more planning?
HORATIO
The Queen is in danger now. If Claudius
Suspects she’s turned against him—
[Sound of footsteps outside]
GERTRUDE
Someone comes! Hide!
HAMLET
No. No more hiding. We’ve hidden
Too long already.
[Enter CLAUDIUS with POLONIUS]
CLAUDIUS
Wife, I heard voices— (sees them) What?
Guards! Guards!
DON QUIXOTE
Villain! At last we meet! Prepare
To face the wrath of justice!
CLAUDIUS
Hamlet! You’re supposed to be dead!
HAMLET
Supposed to be, but chose not to be.
That IS the question, isn’t it, uncle?
To be or not to be—and I choose being!
CLAUDIUS
(aside) Rosencrantz and Guildenstern swore you drowned!
Those incompetent— (aloud) This is madness!
POLONIUS
My lord, shall I summon the entire guard?
Alert the castle? Sound the alarum bells?
Compose a proclamation? I have quills!
OPHELIA
Father, your panic’s showing.
POLONIUS
Ophelia! What are you wearing?
OPHELIA
Freedom, father. It fits better than silence.
CLAUDIUS
This is treason! All of you—
GERTRUDE
No, husband. This is revelation.
I invited them. I want the truth.
CLAUDIUS
The truth? Your son is mad!
He consorts with lunatics!
DON QUIXOTE
Better a lunatic than a murderer!
I challenge you, false king! Face me
In single combat, or confess your crimes!
HAMLET
Yes! Let’s settle this like men
Of honor! If you have any honor left.
CLAUDIUS
You want me to duel a madman?
GERTRUDE
Why not? You married a madwoman—
Mad with grief, mad with loneliness.
Perhaps madness is what Denmark needs.
DON QUIXOTE
Tomorrow! Dawn! In the courtyard!
Let God decide who speaks truth!
CLAUDIUS
(cornered) Fine. Dawn. Courtyard.
But when I win—
HAMLET
IF you win. And that’s a mighty if.
OPHELIA
(singing softly) “The usurper king accepts the fight,
But can a false crown make him right?”
POLONIUS
Ophelia, stop that singing!
OPHELIA
I’ll stop when the truth stops needing songs.
CLAUDIUS
(to Gertrude) You’ll regret this.
GERTRUDE
I already regret everything… What’s one more?
[Exit CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS]
DON QUIXOTE
Victory already! See how evil flees
Before righteousness!
HAMLET
He’ll cheat. You know he’ll cheat.
DON QUIXOTE
Let him! Every villain in every story
Cheats! That’s how we know they’re villains!
SANCHO
And that’s how heroes end up dead.
HORATIO
We should prepare. Guard against treachery.
DON QUIXOTE
The only preparation a true knight needs
Is a pure heart and a good breakfast!
HAMLET
(to Gertrude) Mother, are you with us?
GERTRUDE
I’m with the truth, wherever it leads.
Even if it leads through madness.
OPHELIA
(singing) “Tomorrow brings the dawn of truth,
When madmen’s justice meets its proof…”
DON QUIXOTE
Well sung, young troubadour! Come,
We must rest before the great battle!
Prince Hamlet, dream of victory!
HAMLET
I’ll dream of justice. It amounts
To the same thing, in your philosophy.
DON QUIXOTE
Exactly! You’re learning!
[Exeunt all but GERTRUDE]
GERTRUDE
(to audience) Have I done right, inviting madness in?
Or have I simply traded one delusion
For another? Tomorrow brings the answer—
Or deeper questions still. Either way,
The truth will out, though it may wear
Motley when it comes.
[Exit]
[End Act II]
Act III, Scene 1
[The castle courtyard. Dawn. A dueling ground has been prepared. CLAUDIUS enters with LAERTES and several GUARDS. LAERTES carries two swords.]
CLAUDIUS
Laertes, you understand your role?
When the old fool falls—as fall he must—
You’ll swear the combat was fair?
LAERTES
My lord, I came to see justice done,
Not to help you avoid it.
CLAUDIUS
Justice? Your friend the Prince has lost his wits,
Corrupted by this Spanish madman.
Would you see Denmark ruled by lunacy?
LAERTES
Better honest madness than sane corruption.
CLAUDIUS
(coldly) Your father serves me. Remember that.
[Enter POLONIUS, flustered]
POLONIUS
My lord, the courtyard fills with people!
The servants, the nobles, even the kitchen staff—
All come to watch! Shall I disperse them?
CLAUDIUS
No. Let them see their mad prince’s folly
And his champion’s defeat. Ready the swords.
LAERTES
(examining the blades) These are not matched.
One’s heavier, and this one’s point seems—
CLAUDIUS
They’re fine. You worry overmuch.
[Trumpet sounds. Enter DON QUIXOTE in his patched armor, HAMLET dressed as a squire, SANCHO carrying a banner made from a bedsheet, OPHELIA with a lute, HORATIO, and GERTRUDE. The COURTIERS murmur excitedly.]
DON QUIXOTE
Hail, assembled worthies of Denmark!
Today you witness justice most divine!
I, Don Quixote de La Mancha,
Knight of the Woeful Countenance, champion
Of queens and princes wronged, do challenge
This usurper to mortal combat!
COURTIERS
(murmuring) Usurper? Did he say usurper?
HAMLET
(loud, to the crowd) Yes! Usurper! My uncle stole
My father’s throne, my father’s wife,
My father’s life itself!
CLAUDIUS
Silence! The boy is mad!
OPHELIA
(singing) “Mad, mad, the prince is mad,
But madness sometimes tells
What sanity fears to speak aloud—
Listen to the bells!”
[She rings small bells on her lute]
COURTIERS
(taking up the refrain) “Listen to the bells!”
POLONIUS
Stop singing! This is serious!
GERTRUDE
Let them sing, Polonius. Truth needs
All the help it can get in this court.
CLAUDIUS
Enough! Let’s have this farce concluded.
Old man, choose your weapon.
DON QUIXOTE
Sir Squire Hamlet, my sword!
HAMLET
(presenting a notably ancient blade)
Your blade, Sir Knight—Tizona, cousin
To El Cid’s own sword!
SANCHO
(aside to Horatio) It’s the same rusty thing
He’s carried since La Mancha.
HORATIO
(aside) Shh. Let him believe.
DON QUIXOTE
(taking the sword reverently) Ah, Tizona!
Today you shall taste tyrant’s blood!
CLAUDIUS
Laertes, give me the heavier blade.
LAERTES
(hesitating) My lord, perhaps we should ensure
Both weapons are—
CLAUDIUS
(grabbing the sword) Give it here!
DON QUIXOTE
Before we begin, I must recite
The Challenge of the Wronged! Ancient custom
Demands it! (clears throat dramatically)
“I, a true knight, do here accuse
Claudius of Denmark of most foul murder,
Of brother-slaying, throne-stealing,
And general wickedness! Let God decide
Through strength of arms who speaks the truth!”
HAMLET
(to the crowd) You all heard that? He’s accused
Of murder! If he’s innocent,
God will defend him!
COURTIER
And if he’s guilty?
SANCHO
Then my master’s in terrible trouble.
[CLAUDIUS and DON QUIXOTE face each other. CLAUDIUS is clearly the better swordsman, but seems unnerved by DON QUIXOTE’s complete lack of fear.]
CLAUDIUS
Begin!
[They fight. CLAUDIUS is skilled but increasingly frustrated by DON QUIXOTE’s unpredictable style—he fights as if battling giants and dragons, making grand sweeping gestures that accidentally avoid CLAUDIUS’s thrusts.]
DON QUIXOTE
(while fighting) Ha! Your swordplay reveals you!
See how he strikes like a serpent—
Proof of his serpent nature!
OPHELIA
(singing) “The serpent strikes but cannot hit
The pure of heart—”
COURTIERS
“The pure of heart!”
CLAUDIUS
(getting angry) Stand still and fight properly!
DON QUIXOTE
I fight as knights fight—with honor!
You fight as murderers fight—with fear!
[CLAUDIUS lunges viciously. DON QUIXOTE spins away, and CLAUDIUS’s sword strikes a pillar, chipping stone.]
HAMLET
See how he aims to kill, not disarm!
Is this the action of an innocent man?
COURTIERS
(murmuring) The Prince has a point…
GERTRUDE
Husband, stop this! You prove his words
With every poisonous thrust!
CLAUDIUS
(desperate now) Silence!
[He attacks more wildly. DON QUIXOTE, in dodging, trips over his own feet and falls. CLAUDIUS raises his sword for the killing blow—]
LAERTES
Hold!
[He steps between them]
LAERTES
You fight an old man who has fallen!
Where’s your honor?
CLAUDIUS
Stand aside!
LAERTES
No. I’ve seen enough. This old knight
May be mad, but his madness is noble.
Your sanity reeks of guilt.
DON QUIXOTE
(from the ground) Thank you, young knight!
But I need no aid! This position
Is strategic! In Belianis of Greece,
The hero often fights from the ground!
[He swings at CLAUDIUS’s legs from his prone position. CLAUDIUS jumps back, stumbles, and DON QUIXOTE scrambles up, pressing his attack with renewed vigor.]
HAMLET
(to the crowd) Do you see? Even fallen,
Justice rises again! Truth cannot
Be kept down!
OPHELIA
(singing louder) “Truth rises up, lies tumble down,
Who should wear the Danish crown?”
ALL COURTIERS
“Who should wear the Danish crown?”
CLAUDIUS
(panicking as the crowd turns) Guards! Arrest them all!
[The GUARDS hesitate, looking at the crowd, at LAERTES, at each other.]
FIRST GUARD
Arrest… everyone, my lord?
GERTRUDE
Yes, arrest us all! Arrest the whole court
For the crime of seeking truth!
DON QUIXOTE
Confession! He calls for arrests
Because he cannot win with honor!
In every romance, the villain reveals
Himself thus!
[CLAUDIUS, enraged, charges recklessly. DON QUIXOTE, with a move more lucky than skilled, knocks the sword from his hand. It clatters across the courtyard.]
DON QUIXOTE
Yield, tyrant!
CLAUDIUS
Never!
[He pulls a hidden dagger]
COURTIERS
(gasping) Treachery!
HAMLET
As I expected! Uncle, you confirm
Every accusation with that blade!
[CLAUDIUS lunges with the dagger. DON QUIXOTE, LAERTES, and even some GUARDS move to stop him. In the scuffle, CLAUDIUS is disarmed and falls to his knees.]
DON QUIXOTE
(sword at CLAUDIUS’s throat) Now, villain!
Confess thy crimes before this assembly,
Or meet thy judgment in the next world!
[Long pause. All eyes on CLAUDIUS.]
CLAUDIUS
(defeated) I… I…
POLONIUS
My lord, say nothing! As your advisor—
OPHELIA
Father, for once in your life, shut up.
[Even POLONIUS is shocked into silence by his daughter’s directness.]
GERTRUDE
Speak, Claudius. The truth. For once,
The simple truth.
CLAUDIUS
(broken) I killed him. I killed my brother.
Poison in the ear while he slept.
Are you satisfied?
[Stunned silence. Then uproar.]
HAMLET
(to the crowd) You heard him! Justice at last!
DON QUIXOTE
(lowering his sword) There. Was that so difficult?
In the romances, confession often brings
Redemption. Will you seek forgiveness?
CLAUDIUS
From whom? My brother’s dead. His son
Hates me. His wife… (looks at Gertrude)
I’ve lost everything.
GERTRUDE
You lost everything the moment
You chose murder over patience.
LAERTES
What happens now? Denmark needs a king.
HAMLET
Denmark needs no king who gained the throne
Through blood. Uncle, you must abdicate.
CLAUDIUS
To you? The mad prince—
And his madder knight?
DON QUIXOTE
Madness that brings justice is better
Than sanity that brings murder!
COURTIERS
(chanting) “The mad prince! The mad prince!”
HAMLET
(to the crowd) I thank you! But I’ve learned
That thinking without action leads nowhere,
While action without thought leads to chaos.
I need time to find the balance.
GERTRUDE
Then let Denmark be ruled by its people
Until its prince is ready. We’ve had enough
Of hasty crowns and bloody successions.
DON QUIXOTE
Wise words, Your Majesty! In Arcadia—
SANCHO
Master, perhaps we should go?
Our work here seems complete.
DON QUIXOTE
Go? But we’ve just begun! A kingdom
Without a king needs knights-errant
More than ever!
HAMLET
Actually, Sir Knight, I have a thought.
What if you stayed as my advisor?
Who better to teach balance
Than one who sees giants everywhere
Yet somehow always finds the truth?
DON QUIXOTE
Advisor? But I know nothing
Of statecraft!
HAMLET
You know justice. You know courage.
You know how to make people believe
In impossible things. That’s all
The statecraft Denmark needs.
OPHELIA
(singing softly) “The mad knight stays, the tyrant goes,
And Denmark’s story onward flows…”
[GUARDS lead CLAUDIUS away. The crowd begins to disperse, excitedly discussing events.]
HORATIO
(to Hamlet) My lord, was this your plan
All along?
HAMLET
Plan? I learned from Don Quixote—
Sometimes the best plan is no plan,
Just faith that right will find a way.
SANCHO
(to Don Quixote) Master, we’re staying in a castle!
A real castle this time!
DON QUIXOTE
All castles are real, Sancho,
When they house justice.
[End Scene 1]
Act III, Scene 2
[A private chamber in Elsinore. Evening. HAMLET sits writing. Enter DON QUIXOTE, still in his armor.]
DON QUIXOTE
Still writing, sweet prince? The day’s adventure
Is done—no need to chronicle it yet!
HAMLET
I’m not chronicling. I’m trying to draft
Laws for Denmark. How does one govern
A kingdom freed by madness?
DON QUIXOTE
With more madness, naturally! In the realm
Of Queen Madasima the Wise—
HAMLET
Was she real or from your books?
DON QUIXOTE
What’s the difference? Wisdom is wisdom,
Whether lived or read. She ruled by asking
“What would a child do?” before each decree.
HAMLET
And that worked?
DON QUIXOTE
Her kingdom knew no war
For forty years. Children don’t hold grudges
Long enough for battles.
[Enter GERTRUDE and HORATIO]
GERTRUDE
My son. We need to speak.
HAMLET
Mother. I suppose we do.
GERTRUDE
I loved your father. But I was lonely,
And Claudius seemed… kind. I was a fool.
HAMLET
We’ve all been fools. I spent so long
Thinking about revenge, I nearly
Thought myself into the grave.
GERTRUDE
Can you forgive me?
HAMLET
Can you forgive me for pretending
Madness when you needed a son’s comfort?
GERTRUDE
Oh, my dear boy. Come here.
[They embrace]
DON QUIXOTE
(wiping a tear) Beautiful! In Chapter Twelve
Of Amadis, reconciliation between—
HORATIO
Sir Knight, perhaps just let them have
This moment without annotation?
DON QUIXOTE
Quite right! Reality sometimes needs
No improvement from romance.
[Enter OPHELIA, LAERTES, and POLONIUS]
POLONIUS
Prince Hamlet, I’ve drafted seventeen
Proposals for the new government structure—
LAERTES
Father, the Prince hasn’t even decided
If he’ll take the crown yet.
HAMLET
Actually, about that… Ophelia,
Your madness taught me something.
Sometimes the best way to see truth
Is sideways, slanted, sung in riddles.
OPHELIA
My madness was half-real, half-choice.
But it kept me alive in a court
Full of spies and lies.
HAMLET
Would you help me rule? Not as queen—
Unless you’d want that—but as…
What’s the title for someone who
Tells truth in songs?
OPHELIA
Court Fool? But with better clothes?
HAMLET
Exactly! Don Quixote has shown me
That wisdom needs its jesters.
POLONIUS
This is highly irregular! The protocols—
OPHELIA
Father, your protocols gave us
A murderer for a king. Perhaps
“Irregular” is what Denmark needs.
[Enter SANCHO]
SANCHO
Master, I’ve been talking with the kitchen staff.
They want to know—is the new government
Going to be all madness, or will there
Be some sanity for balance?
DON QUIXOTE
Sancho asks the essential question!
HAMLET
Tell them we’ll have both. Madness
For vision, sanity for daily bread.
You can’t eat dreams, but without dreams,
Why bother eating?
HORATIO
Well said, my lord. You’re finding balance.
[Enter a MESSENGER, travel-stained]
MESSENGER
Sir Knight! Don Quixote! Urgent news
From Spain! A dragon has been sighted
Near Barcelona!
SANCHO
(sighs) It’s a windmill. It’s always
A windmill.
DON QUIXOTE
A dragon! Did you hear, Prince Hamlet?
A real dragon!
MESSENGER
Well… the fishermen say dragon.
The merchants say large whale.
The priests say divine punishment.
DON QUIXOTE
Even better! A mystery requiring
A knight-errant’s investigation!
HAMLET
You’re leaving? But I need you here!
Who’ll remind me that impossible
Things are possible?
DON QUIXOTE
You will. You’ve learned the secret—
Madness is just another word
For seeing what others cannot.
Or will not. Besides, Denmark
Has you now. Barcelona needs me!
GERTRUDE
Sir Knight, before you go—thank you.
You saved my son from thinking himself
To death. And saved Denmark from… me.
DON QUIXOTE
Your Majesty, you saved yourself
The moment you chose truth over comfort.
I merely held the door open.
LAERTES
What about Claudius? He’s imprisoned,
But what justice fits regicide?
HAMLET
I’ve been thinking about that. Death
Seems too simple. Life with his guilt
Might be worse punishment.
DON QUIXOTE
In the romances, villains often
End as hermits, seeking redemption
Through contemplation.
POLONIUS
We could commute his sentence to
Permanent monastery residence?
OPHELIA
Father, that’s your first good idea
In years!
POLONIUS
(blinking, unsure whether insult or praise) Thank you?
HAMLET
Yes. Let him spend his remaining days
Thinking about what he’s done.
As I nearly spent mine thinking
About what he’d done. But productively.
HORATIO
The irony is elegant, my lord.
SANCHO
Master, if we’re to catch a dragon—
Or whale, or whatever—we should rest.
Tomorrow’s an early start.
DON QUIXOTE
Quite right! One more night in a real castle!
HAMLET
All castles are real when they house
Justice, remember?
DON QUIXOTE
(beaming) You’ve learned well, sweet prince!
Denmark’s in good hands—mad hands,
But good ones!
[Enter SERVANTS with food and wine]
GERTRUDE
Come, let’s feast our champions
Before they part. Tomorrow brings
New challenges, but tonight—
OPHELIA
(singing) “Tonight we celebrate the fall
Of lies and rise of madness!
For madness mixed with wisdom
Makes the sanest kind of gladness!”
ALL
(toasting) To madness and wisdom!
HAMLET
And to friends who teach us
The difference doesn’t matter
If your heart is true!
[They settle in to feast. DON QUIXOTE regales them with impossible stories, which might just be true.]
[End Scene 2]
Act III, Scene 3 (Finale)
[The castle gates. Dawn. DON QUIXOTE and SANCHO are loading Rocinante and the donkey. HAMLET, OPHELIA, HORATIO, GERTRUDE, and LAERTES gather to see them off.]
HAMLET
Must you leave so soon? The sun
Has barely touched the battlements.
DON QUIXOTE
Dragons rise early, sweet prince!
And knights must rise earlier still.
Besides, farewells should be brief—
Like pulling off a bandage.
SANCHO
Or like leaving a warm bed
For a cold road. Which is exactly
What we’re doing.
OPHELIA
(presenting a small bag) For your journey—
Herbs for healing, bread that travels well,
And a new song I wrote about
A knight who saved a kingdom
By being mad enough to care.
DON QUIXOTE
(touched) I shall treasure it, lady troubadour!
And sing it to the dragon before
I vanquish him!
SANCHO
The dragon will appreciate that,
I’m sure.
GERTRUDE
Sir Knight, I have something for you too.
(produces a small ring)
This was my first husband’s. He would want
A true knight to wear it.
DON QUIXOTE
Your Majesty, I cannot—
GERTRUDE
You must. You brought my son back
From the dead. Twice—once from the sea,
And once from the prison of his thoughts.
DON QUIXOTE
(accepting the ring) I shall wear it
With honor. And when people ask,
I’ll tell them it was given by a queen
Who chose truth over comfort.
HORATIO
(to Sancho) Here—a practical gift.
A map of Denmark’s roads, marked
With the best inns and the worst
Brigands.
SANCHO
Now THIS is useful! Thank you, friend.
May your prince give you less trouble
Than my knight gives me.
HORATIO
I wouldn’t count on it. Madness
Is contagious, I’ve learned.
LAERTES
Sir Knight, you’ve taught us something
Valuable—that seeing clearly
Sometimes means seeing differently.
DON QUIXOTE
No, young knight. You taught yourselves.
I merely held up a mirror—
Admittedly, a rather cracked one.
HAMLET
Before you go, I must ask—
That first day in the inn,
Did you really believe I was enchanted?
Or did you see through to my pain?
DON QUIXOTE
Does it matter? You needed rescuing.
Not from enchantment, but from yourself.
The quest is always real, even when
The dragons are windmills.
HAMLET
And the windmills? Do you truly—
DON QUIXOTE
(smiling) What I see matters less
Than what I choose to do about it.
A giant terrorizing the countryside
And a windmill grinding grain
Both need confronting—one with lance,
One with maintenance. The trick
Is responding appropriately.
SANCHO
(to the others) He’s never admitted that before.
This is a breakthrough!
DON QUIXOTE
Admitted what? I simply said
That giants and windmills both
Require attention!
HAMLET
(laughing) Never change, Sir Knight.
The world needs people who see
Giants where others see windmills—
And occasionally vice versa.
DON QUIXOTE
And the world needs princes
Who think deeply but still act,
Who question everything but still
Choose answers. You’ll make
A fine king, when you’re ready.
HAMLET
If I’m ever ready.
DON QUIXOTE
That doubt is exactly why
You will be. The worst kings
Are those who never question
Their fitness to rule.
[A horn sounds in the distance]
SANCHO
That’s our signal. The messenger
Said to meet him at the crossroads
By full dawn.
DON QUIXOTE
Then we must away! Rocinante,
Are you ready for another quest?
[The old horse whinnies weakly]
DON QUIXOTE
She says yes! Such enthusiasm!
OPHELIA
(singing softly)
“Two madmen met upon a road,
One heading east, one west.
They traded madness for a while
And both were thereby blessed.”
DON QUIXOTE
Beautiful! You see? We’re not parting—
We’re simply taking our shared madness
In different directions!
HAMLET
You to chase dragons that might
Be whales…
DON QUIXOTE
And you to build a kingdom
That might be a dream. Which
Is the greater adventure?
HAMLET
(extending his hand) Until we meet again,
Don Quixote de La Mancha.
DON QUIXOTE
(clasping it) Until then,
Prince Hamlet the Thoughtful,
The Bold, the Beautifully Mad!
[They embrace. DON QUIXOTE mounts Rocinante with surprising grace. SANCHO climbs onto his donkey with expected difficulty.]
DON QUIXOTE
Come, Sancho! Barcelona awaits!
And after that, who knows?
Perhaps we’ll find that island
I’ve promised to make you governor of!
SANCHO
(to the others) He’s been promising
That for years. I’ve stopped
Packing my gubernatorial robes.
DON QUIXOTE
(as they ride off) Farewell, Denmark!
May your madness always be
The kind that leads to wisdom!
HAMLET
(calling after) And may your wisdom
Always be the kind that looks
Like madness!
[DON QUIXOTE and SANCHO disappear into the morning mist. The Danish party watches until they’re gone.]
GERTRUDE
Do you think we’ll see them again?
HAMLET
In person? Who can say?
But we’ll see them every time
We choose the impossible
Over the merely difficult.
OPHELIA
Every time we sing truth
Instead of just speaking it.
HORATIO
Every time we question
What everyone “knows.”
LAERTES
Every time we act with honor
Even when it seems foolish.
GERTRUDE
Then we’ll see them often.
HAMLET
Come. We have a kingdom
To rebuild. And I have a feeling
It’s going to require quite a bit
Of creative madness.
OPHELIA
(taking his arm) Then you’re
In luck. Between us, we have
Madness to spare.
HAMLET
Shared madness is the best kind.
Don Quixote taught me that.
[They turn back toward the castle as the sun rises fully, painting Elsinore in golden light.]
HAMLET
(to audience)
So ends our tale of madmen met,
Of giants, windmills, ghosts, and crowns.
What’s true? What’s false? What’s wisdom? Folly?
Perhaps the answer’s in the question—
Perhaps the quest itself’s the lesson.
We leave you with this thought to ponder:
In a world that’s gone half-mad,
Is sanity the cure we need,
Or is the madness, rightly used,
The truest sanity indeed?
[He bows with a flourish learned from DON QUIXOTE, then follows the others into the castle.]
FINIS
[End of Play]
Gallery of Charles 