From “The Venetian Twins”

A Lost Shakespeare Comedy (c. 1598)

Act II, Scene 1

[A garden. Enter IAGO, a servant, with a letter]

IAGO
What is a letter but a paper prison
Wherein words lie fettered in their ink?
And what am I but carrier to confusion,
Being bid to bear what I can’t read nor think?
My master loves—or thinks he loves—the lady;
My lady loves—or would love—not my master;
This letter goes to one who is not ready
To read of love, but dreams of love-disaster.
‘Tis marked “To Sylvia”—but which Sylvia, marry?
The Duke hath one, the merchant hath another,
And I, poor Iago, am bid to carry
This to “the fairest”—but beauty hath no brother!
Each thinks herself the fairest of the twain—
So must I give it both and double pain?
Or keep it to myself and save all three
From love’s sweet torment and its misery?
Nay, I’ll deliver it unto the cook—
She’s named Sylvia too, and hath a comely look!
When master asks, I’ll swear I did my part:
I gave it to a Sylvia—of the tart!

[Exit]

Act II, Scene 2

[Another part of the garden. Enter HAMLET disguised as a merchant, and OPHELIA disguised as a page]

HAMLET (aside)
She knows me not in this merchant’s weeds—
Good! I’ll test her love with false discourse.

OPHELIA (aside)
He takes me for a page—better proceeds
To learn his heart without love’s force!

HAMLET
Good youth, what brings thee to this garden fair?

OPHELIA
I seek the Lady Ophelia, good sir.
My master bids me give her tokens rare.

HAMLET
What master, boy? And what dost thou confer?

OPHELIA
The merchant Hamlet—know’st thou the man?
He sends her jewels from the Orient.

HAMLET (aside)
‘Sblood! I send myself gifts through this span!
(to Ophelia) The lady is too high for merchant’s bent.

OPHELIA
Too high? Why, sir, is she so proud withal?

HAMLET
Not proud, but worthy of a prince’s hand.
This Hamlet—is he fair or tall?

OPHELIA (aside)
He angles for compliments! (to Hamlet) Bland
And plain, in truth—his face like porridge cold,
His wit as sharp as butter left in sun.

HAMLET
Ha! Speaks’t thou true?

OPHELIA
As true as gold—
But gold he hath, and thinks his wooing won!

HAMLET (aside)
She loves me not for wealth! O joy complete!
(to Ophelia) Tell thy master that his suit will fail.

OPHELIA
And why, good merchant? Is’t not meet
That love should follow fortune’s trail?

HAMLET
The lady loves another, so I’ve heard—
A youth of noble birth but modest means.

OPHELIA (aside)
He speaks of himself! Each word
Shows love beneath his merchant’s scenes!
(to Hamlet) Good sir, I’ll tell my master straight:
The lady’s heart is given to another.

HAMLET
Do so, and bid him seek a different mate—
(aside) While I’ll reveal myself and be her lover!

[Exeunt severally]

Act II, Scene 3

[A tavern. Enter LEAR, the fool, juggling three apples]

LEAR
Three apples had I from three different trees:
One sweet, one sour, one full of worms within.
The sweet I gave unto my enemies—
For too much sweetness makes the stomach thin.
The sour I kept unto myself to eat—
‘Tis better to expect the worst in life.
The wormy one? I gave it to the fleet-
Foot messenger who courts the baker’s wife!
For what are worms but nature’s little jest,
That make the fairest apple into dust?
And what is love but worms within the breast,
That eat the heart with hunger and with lust?
(to audience) You laugh, but tell me true—is’t not the same?
We bite the apple, worms and all, for shame!
Better to juggle love than let it fall—
For dropped, it bruises; kept, it spoils withal!

[Enter VINTNER]

VINTNER
Still juggling, fool? And preaching too, I see.

LEAR
Aye, master vintner—’tis my trade to spin
Both balls and words in equal jollity.
But what’s your vintage? Vice without, within?

VINTNER
My wine is honest!

LEAR
As honest as your water—
Which is to say, they’re married in your cask!
But fear not, I’ll not tell your paying daughter
That what she sells is but a liquid mask!

[Exit VINTNER in anger]

LEAR (to audience)
See how truth makes the guilty man retreat?
‘Tis easier to juggle lies than speak
What is—yet lies, like apples, rot with heat,
While truth, though sour, keeps us strong, not weak.
Come, who’ll catch wisdom from a fool’s poor hand?
(throws apples to audience) Take, eat, and think—if thinking’s not too grand!

[Exit juggling]

Notes

These scenes showcase classic Shakespearean comic elements: the clever servant subverting his master’s plans, lovers in disguise testing each other (with dramatic irony as both are disguised), and the wise fool whose seeming nonsense contains profound truths. The verse maintains Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter while incorporating his characteristic wordplay, metaphors, and direct audience address.